Need a Best Man Speech?

Well, you've come to the right place. Take a deep breath. I'm a professional. I know exactly what you should do.

RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN RIGHT NOW AND CHANGE YOUR NAME!

Just kidding. You'll be fine, really. You're going to give a great best man speech. How do I know? Because your friend, the groom, picked you. He loves you, man, just because you're you. So that's what we need to get out of you for this speech- why are you his best man, why is this wedding so special, how much does he love his beautiful bride, and how sure you are they're going to have a great life together. If you want a canned speech, you can go elsewhere, and the links are below- but if you want to reduce your friends to blubbering teary-eyed idiots and remember how great your best man speech was for the rest of your life, stick with me.

So, tip number one about the best man speech: don't get drunk until after you give it! Tip number two: write down everything you can think of about the bride and groom- brainstorm it- don't try to make it sound good yet, don't judge it, just jot everything down. For example: "Their dog, they washed it... his car, convertible, they did it in there once and a cop caught them... our trip to vegas and the girls that-"

Ok, right, you're not going to use everything you think of... remember, grandma, mom, and the 6 year old cousins are all going to be there, too. So once you have all the good and bad ideas written down, tip number three for your best man speech: cross out everything that wouldn't be in a PG-13 romantic comedy. And speaking of comedy, tip number four is: if you aren't good at making groups of people laugh, don't try to start now. If you screw up and no one laughs, most of the audience will realize you were trying to get a laugh and not only think you're an idiot, but that you're selfish for trying to do stand up when it's supposed to be all about the bride and groom, stupid!

Right, so hopefully you have some material for your best man speech by now - a story about how they met, or something romantic or meaningful the groom confided to you about her or their future (but don't give away any honeymoon surprises, you dope!), or a funny story about something they tried to do that went wrong, like a bad first date or something (yeah I said not to try to be funny, but if you tell a funny story and don't expect a laugh, and you get one, fine, but don't base the whole thing on them laughing), or something really cool and coincidental that happened to them once. You can work with that.

Now, here are the general guidelines for your best man speech. Your goals are:

• Even if he's not, make the groom seem romantic, funny, financially stable, and hopelessly in love with his bride - in your best man speech, you're allowed to tell a story that makes him look foolish, but you'll have to make up for that with something even more brilliant about how great he is.
• Don't make fun of the bride or any of the relatives, unless there's a weird uncle everyone thinks is weird and you're close enough to the family to get away with it, but when in doubt, leave them alone.
• It's not about you, so don't put yourself down to make the groom seem better (that's totally unconvincing- they might believe you're an idiot, but that won't make him look good- he chose you as his best man, remember?) and only talk about your thoughts or feelings in order to make a point about how awesome the bride and groom are, or in order to end your speech with a sigh and a "I love you man!"

But I'm not saying you should end it that way. It's classier to end your best man speech with something like- "I love you guys, and I know you're going to have a great life together. I just want you to know that I, and all of us, are with you all the way, and we're looking forward to seeing you two blossom together, and we definitely want to be invited to your 20th wedding anniversary!"

My last piece of advice for your best man speech? Try it out on a couple of different people- not just people like you and the groom, but also some women and some people from other generations. The feedback you'll get, if you encourage them to be honest, will help you develop a well-rounded, genuine best man speech that will build up and honor your two special friends.

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Links to examples of good best man speeches and canned best man speeches that no one should recite mindlessly like it's some freshman college paper you have to write, it's your friggin best friend!:

• Examples of Best Man Speeches
• Help Composing your Best Man Speech
• Tips for a Great Toast