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Portable Air Conditioning

"The portable air conditioning suit idea came from Buzz Aldrin, an astronaut often accused of going through male menopause because he was so hot and sweaty all the time."






Portable Air Conditioning
by Brian B. Carter, MS, LAc

Brian is the founder of PulseMed, medical professor at Pacific College of Oriental Medicine, and author of Powerful Body, Peaceful Mind: How to Heal Yourself with Foods, Herbs, and Acupressure.

Brian Carter, acupuncturist, herbalist, and author

Some people say that portable air conditioning isn't as effective as a wall unit... that you should only get one if you can't find one that fits your window- e.g. if your window is circular, or star-shaped- or if you're too old or weak to install an air conditioner, and too dumb to get someone to do it for you.

I think those people are wrong.

I'm not sure why. It's just a feeling I have.

No, seriously, portable air conditioning is one of the coolest things ever invented by men with non-genius IQs. It's great if you have allergies, or you feel hot a lot. Because if there's anything that a portable air conditioner can do for you, it's filter your air, and cool that air down.

Yeah, I know, that's what air conditioning is, but let's just be thorough here, and grounded in the facts. Because I want to prepare you for what's coming next. It's the ultimate in portable air conditioning...

The portable air conditioning suit!

The portable air conditioning suit idea came from Buzz Aldrin, an astronaut often accused of going through male menopause because he was so hot and sweaty all the time. I told him he was just taking too much ginseng... but he never listened to me. Maybe because you can't talk through a TV screen. So he went on to modify the normal space suit he wore on the moon to use a portable air conditioning unit instead of oxygen tanks.

Anyhow, the portable air conditioning suit (PACS) solves several problems, not only of typical portable air conditioners, but also the same problems that bug many people who don't have any kind of air conditioning at all:

  • Feeling hot
  • Allergies from unconditioned air
  • Low back pain from trying to lug around a wall unit air conditioner with a really long extension cord
  • Not being able to get second dates on account of being too hot and sweaty because you don't have a portable air conditioner
  • Having to vent your portable air conditioner

And not to worry, we've done plenty of tests on the PACS to make sure it will increase, not decrease your comfort. Long gone are the lawsuits because of:

  • 132 cases of hypothermia (you can now adjust the temperature settings and even turn the suit off)
  • 77 cases of slipped discs (we've reduced the weight of the AC backpack from 65 to 45 pounds), and
  • 27 cases of starvation (the PAC-Elder version now comes equipped with a GPS warning device that alerts family members if mom or dad decide to take their portable air conditioning suit into the desert- a surprisingly common idea).

    * Our lawyers have informed us that if we didn't disclose these lawsuits and mention their firm name (Dewey, Cheedem, & Howe) and how great they are, they'd sue us

In fact, the new 2005 portable air conditioning suit comes equipped with OnStar so that, when needed, a disembodied voice will erupt from your armpit, announcing "OnStar, how can I help you?" The PAC-Elder-Supreme version contains sophisticated vital sign monitoring (VSM, trademarked) so that if your mom or dad freaks out and their blood pressure skyrockets, OnStar is notified and immediately steps in.

"OnStar, can I help you Mr. Jensen?"

"(throat clearing) No Jimmy, I'm just fine."

"Really? What's going on right now, Mr. Jensen?"

"Oh, nothing, really... Just Billy Bob F150 on my tail again. I'm going the speed limit."

"Is your portable air conditioning suit turned up, Mr. Jensen? It looks like you're overheating a little bit."

"Oh, yeah, let me lower the temperature... HEY! (squealing tires) DOGGONIT YOU ****** ****** ****!!!"

"Mr. Jensen!!! Are you ok? What's going on now? "

"That ****** redneck tried to pass me while I was distracted. Haha! Taste the fumes from my Buick Regal Mr. Bigshot! How do you like that?"

"Alright Mr. Jensen, that's more than enough- we're going to override your car and your suit right now. Road rage is very dangerous..."

"Hey- You can't do that! It's my car- It's my suit- Leave me alone!"

"I'm sorry Mr. Jensen. Your daughter loves you very much and we're here to take care of you. There, I'm adjusting your portable air conditioning suit temperature, and we're going to the off ramp there just ahead. There's a donut shop there to the right."

(crying) "Damn you OnStar! Damn you!"

"It's going to be ok, Mr. Jensen. I'll just stay with you until you feel better."

(unintelligible muffled sobbing)

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Copyright 1999-2074, Pulse Media International, Brian Carter, MSci, LAc, Editor