Carter, MS, LAc
The Miraculous Tape Worm Diet Pill
and the Fabulous All Chocolate Weight Loss Plan
By Brian B.
Carter, MS, LAc
Brian is the founder of the
Pulse of Oriental Medicine. He teaches at the Pacific College
of Oriental Medicine and maintains a private acupuncture
and herbal practice in San Diego, California, and is the
author of Powerful Body, Peaceful
Mind: How to Heal Yourself with Foods, Herbs, and Acupressure.
||Note: the first part of this article is humorous,
then we'll look at the history, and the urban legends of tape
worm diet pills. Just want to make sure you don't take me
wrong on the first part! Gotta keep your trust for my serious
It's amazing that it took medical science this long to put
The Western world has known ever since we first landed in the
tropics about how effective tape worms can be for losing weight.
And we've tried so many diet pills that didn't work.
What took physicians so long to realize that a tape worm diet
pill was the best way to harness nature's power to fight the unstoppable
food cravings she gave us?
Tape Worm Diet Pills in History
|Historians tell us that the early explorers
who witnessed the power of the tape worm diet in 18th century
Mexico were so fit and svelte, they simply considered
it an uncivilized oddity. In fact, the famous Portuguese mountaineer
and sea explorer, Gustavo DeMenthes, wrote in his Jornal
do Partido, "These unfortunate indians not only cannot
read or write, but they spend most of the day trying to convince
us to eat their strange bread recipe called 'Oreos'."
Historians are divided on the ultimate fate of DeMenthes,
though rumor has it (according to his first mate) that he smuggled
a large stash of Oreos back to Portugal, and went mad when he
ran out. It is a matter of public record that he was once thrown
in jail about 6 months after returning to Portugal. The record
shows that the original charge of 'Attempting to Steal His Majesty's
Frigate' was dropped and changed to 'Public Intoxication'. He
soon after disappeared altogether from Portugal.
The Tape Worm Diet Pill in Late 19th Century New York
Modern historians think it more than a coincidence that
the man who introduced the tape worm diet pill to the United States
came from Mexico and was named Henriques Dimintio. He probably
was DeMenthes' great great grandson. Dimintio traveled all the
way to New York City to make a fortune off his 'Oreos'. He met
a young, energetic French baker named John Nabis, who loved
the cookie and thought it had Great Market Potential.
Then Dimintio explained how Oreos went perfectly with his
traditional tape worm diet pill. Nabis wouldn't hear of it-
he didn't care if people got fat, he wasn't going to sell worms
and food to them at the same time! The two new friends had already
a lot of Mexican tequila, so the argument quickly became a scuffle.
Result: 12 crushed oreos, 105 dead tape worms, and 2 estranged
Nabis stole the Oreo idea, and his company, Nabisco, is still
going strong. He got his due, though... As
you can see in their official 'history', Nabis gets no credit
whatsoever for his company, or Demintio's cookie - in fact they
will deny that there ever was a John Nabis involved. Call them
Dimintio subsequently tried to convince two more baker/entrepreneurs
to merge cookies and tape worms, but they brushed him off. He
became depressed. We have a record of him at Mt.
Sinai, New York City's oldest hospital, where he received
water bath therapy, which was all modern medicine had for depression
in the late 1800's. Local history in his hometown in Mexico has
it that he returned home to his wife and family to bake cookies
during the day and play sad Mariachi songs at night.
Rampant Obesity in the 20th and 21st Century
By the end of the 20th century, it was clear that Demintio had
been way ahead of his time. Obesity was on the rise, and
food addictions were in full swing. Even children as young as
nine were eating themselves into adult-onset diabetes. The term
'globesity' was coined to describe this worldwide health crisis.
Ever ahead of the health curve, the Canadian government ordered
an exhaustive study of all weight loss solutions known to man.
Organizations like Weightwatchers were investigated, diets like
The Zone, Atkins, and South Beach were evaluated, herbs like ephedra
were eaten, snorted, and injected, tribal peoples across the world
were extorted in an attempt to discover their weight loss wisdom...
not a single stone was left unturned.
Finally, the government-appointed Canadian National Committee
for the Sane Control of Weight issued its monstruously authoritative
500-page report, and overnight it became a Canadian bestseller.
Readers in America still haven't heard of it. It's Canadian!
Who cares?? One American publisher firm attempted to take on the
U.S. distribution of the report, but ran into translation difficulties.
The movie rights, however, are still available.
Among the Committee's findings are:
- No diet works for everyone
- Most obese people are lazy, but so are many skinny people
- Many obese people eat lots of sugar and diet sodas, but so
do skinny Hollywood fashion models
- Professional athletes usually are not obese
- Anorexics don't gain weight
In short, the report was stunning in its inconclusiveness. The
only points of light were some promising newer diets that had
not yet been tried by large groups of people, or by large groups
of large people, which included:
- The Tape Worm Diet Pill
- The Miraculous All Chocolate Diet
- The Ephedra Weight Loss Pizza
Experts, in the report, expressed concerns about each of these
diets. Yet, they concluded, "we must try anything and everything,
leaving no stone unturned, until everyone in the world can look
like Jennifer Lopez and Brad Pitt."
Ok, ok, let's get serious.
I really am working on an ephedra weight loss pizza. Stay tuned.
If you'd like more about the tape worm diet pill, try these links: